Making My Privates Public

Remember when journaling was a private endeavor? We would allow ourselves to take up a pen and scribble out our deepest longings, our secret motives, the words we thought but did not dare say aloud. It was a place to voice our dreams & ambitions, our reactions & interpretations. These notebooks would be stowed away somewhere accessible, but almost never in plain sight, safe from the judgments and criticisms of others.

We journal-keepers would select the notebook carefully; making sure it was the appropriate vessel to receive this cognitive & emotional outpouring. The paper had to be the correct texture and weight; the cover had to beg us “open me.” We’d carry them in our packs with our favorite pen or pencil, always ready to ready to accept our insights or grievances. On those pages we could reveal our most personal selves, if we dared, without the need to justify, or censor, or backpedal, or apologize.

The problem with the private journal, strangely, is its lack of external validity. Sometimes the journal has that empty feeling you get when you’ve removed yourself from a discussion only to realize later what you should have said. That feeling often results in an action: we go to someone we trust and give that person the synopsis of the argument, making her the vicarious recipient of a number of statements starting with “I should have said,” and “I wish I'd said.” How fulfilled can we be when our opinions and positions are greeted with the silence of the paper, rather than the hearty “I agree” of someone – anyone?

So we blog; we record our thoughts and toss them into the ether in an attempt to gain some validation, some affirmation that we are not alone in our opinions. Some of us just want a feeling of importance, the sense that others benefit from our knowledge & experience. Some of us just want to share our burdens; I mean, who doesn’t need to just tell someone about our troubles, get this stuff off our chests? The flaw (or the genius) is that there’s no guarantee that anyone’s reading our rambles at all…unless we receive the coveted feedback, comments that say stuff like “I couldn’t have said it better myself,” and “right on, brother!”

So what motivates me to keep this blog? Is it my own self-importance? Do I need that illusion of connection? Do I have a hankerin’ for validation? Yes, all of the above. So I’ll believe you are reading, enthralled in my words, eagerly consuming the latest entry and pining for the next. I’ll believe that I have opened your eyes with my wisdom and challenged you with my unique opinions. I’ll believe you empathize with me, share my sorrows and celebrate my victories. I’ll believe you take my side on every issue, because dammit, I’m so persuasive. And right. I’ll believe that what confuses you is all made clear once you get my perspective, right here on the internet, for free. What a blessing this blog will be. Is, already.

Go ahead, call me deluded. That’s ok, because the worst thing is that no one is reading, which means I’m just doing what I’ve done over the years: keeping a private journal.